Dating, Mating and Relating with Dr. Ish
When a Guy Shows You Who He is…Believe Him!
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When a guy shows you who he is…Believe Him!
Here’s a question I had first thing this morning:
Client: Question?? Why does a man say he doesnt see a future with you but wont let you walk away and gets jealous if you mention another man? (But still expects to have sex with you) Help!
Dr. Ish: Damn, sorry to hear that. When a guy says he doesn’t see a future with you but still wants to sleep with you it means just that. It’ll never progress to a relationship that’s exclusive but he’ll stick around as long as you let him have sex with you. I’m not sure why you would do that if that’s not what you want because ultimately it’s not going make you happy. When you cut that off he’ll move on…and so will you. You do not need his permission to walk away!
Client: He didn’t say it all at once, I had to drag it out of him and then he said ‘I don’t see us jumping the broom.’
Dr. Ish: Sorry about that but at least he was honest about his lack of plans for you. When a guy shows you who is, believe him. If you stick around hoping it will change and it doesn’t then you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself. The guy who wants what you want is out there, you just have to free yourself so you can find each other.
Natalie Wood once said, “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.”
Believer her and believe him. It’s hard knowing when to say when and when to say ‘Next’ and move on but if you trust your instincts, really listen to that gut feeling you have as a woman, it’ll never lead you wrong.
Until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, counseling, dating, loneliness, love, marriage, mating, relating, relationships, sex, tips
Designer Labels…and the Meaning of Life
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You know what I don’t like? When people try to define me by what the piece of paper says I ‘do’. I’m more than that. Much more. And my guess is so are you. Just because you’re a doctor doesn’t mean you’re a person of high moral value. Just because you’re a lawyer doesn’t mean you’re a person who’s trustworthy. Just because you’ve been to jail doesn’t mean you have no more honor. Just because you’ve made mistakes doesn’t mean you can’t now make corrections and make a difference.
You don’t have to be a Doctor to help people heal.
You don’t have to be a Lawyer to keep people honest.
You don’t have to be a Nurse to make people feel cared for.
You don’t have to be a Police Officer to protect people.
You don’t have to be an Architect to build something beautiful.
You don’t have to be an Artist to create a work of art.
You don’t have to be Singer to find your voice.
You don’t have to be an Actor to play your role perfectly.
You don’t have to be a Writer to use words that can move mountains.
You don’t have to be Computer programmer for your life not to crash.
You don’t have to be a Banker to get your money right.
You don’t have to be a Businessman to have your life in order.
You don’t have to be a Manager to manage your life.
You don’t have to be a Gardener to grow precious flowers.
You don’t have to be an Athlete to be powerful.
You don’t have to be a Millionaire to be wealthy.
You don’t have to be a Superstar in order to shine like one!
We’re all stars of the universe. Stop hiding your light…let it shine!
When we don’t live a life that we feel has meaning (or the meaning we thought it would have) we tend to feel like there are holes in it or it has gaps. We tend to fill in those gaps with garbage. Drugs. Alcohol. Screwed up, jacked up and flat out bad relationships and bad choices. We do this because we feel like life is empty and we’re trying to fill it up and those are the things that are all too easily and readily available. Those are distractions.
Are you a mother? A father? A sister? A brother? A husband? A wife? A significant other? A true friend?
We all mean something to somebody. Be the best example of who you are right now and stop letting the world tell you who you aren’t.
Sometimes the directions don’t come on the labels.
What you do or don’t have doesn’t define you.
Stop letting labels run your life. Find your meaning within the life you have and become the person you were meant to be!
Guest Blogger: Chey B!
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Dating 101 with “AskCheyB”
Ten Steps towards Having a Successful Dating Experience
1) Use dating as an opportunity to get closer to someone you’re already in a relationship with, or someone you see as a potential partner. Not everyone gets a date!
2) Before going out on a date, have a phone conversation discussing each other’s personal interests. This feedback will serve as great conversation starters when you’re on the actual date.
3) Allow enough advanced notice so that you both can clear your schedules and plan accordingly. This shows that you are considerate of your date’s time.
4) A first date should be someplace neutral and inexpensive like a coffee shop or a park. This will help eliminate any financial burdens, and will also help lighten the mood.
5) Plan to be early to avoid being late. Being on time helps build trust and it shows that you respect each other’s time.
6) Turn your cell phone off, on vibrate, or on silent to avoid any unnecessary interruptions. This shows that you respect your date and that you value the time they are giving you.
7) Come to a 1st date prepared to pay your own tab. This gesture frees both parties of any assumed obligations, and allows your date the opportunity to measure your level of independence.
8) A 1st date should be brief (maybe 30 minutes or less). This helps to eliminate any pressure to further entertain a date that lacks chemistry, and builds anticipation for a 2nd date if there is chemistry.
9) Be engaging! Ask questions and allow your date the opportunity to share more details about themselves. This shows that you are taking a genuine interest in who they are.
10) Have fun! Enjoy this wonderful person you’ve chosen to share your time and energy with.
If you’ve been inspired by today’s blog, please subscribe, post your comments below, and share it with your friends. Also, please add me on Facebook & Follow me on Twitter!
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Life & Relationship Expert
-Cheyenne Bostock
Click here for the original blog: http://t.co/EeYhIyUpkC
I want to know what you think! Any thoughts or tips to share about first dates? Post your thoughts in our comments!
Tags: cheating, dating, first date, interesting, lies, lust, marriage, mating, men, relating, relationships, sex, women
Pay me my money!
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“Money isn’t everything…but it is reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale.
Zig Ziglar
Love that quote from Zig! Hi everybody, I had a recent appearance on The Today Show with Nicole Williams from LinkedIn talking about the right way to ask for a raise. I’ve gotten lots and lots of questions about the particulars so I thoughts I’d jot it all and break it all down for you here.
When it comes to asking for and getting what you want, timing is everything! A well-timed request can be the difference between getting everything you want or getting brushed aside. Here’s what we know. Happy people say yes (or some close approximation of a ‘yes’) more often than those who aren’t so a good golden rule to follow when asking for what you want is to ask when they’re in their ‘happy place’. Whether you’re asking for a raise in salary or allowance (listen up kids:) or anything else you want, these tips just may get you over that hump!
Make an appointment: You never want to have an important conversation when the other person is preoccupied, busy, distracted or flat out not available to sit and talk. Best way to avoid that? Ask them, “When’s a good time to talk about my/our _______” (fill in the blank with your request). This way you’ve given them an element of control of the situation and given them time to prepare so they don’t feel ambushed by the topic or request.
Time it around an event: The tried and true best events are when you’re interviewing for a new job, have just received a promotion/change in title, during a performance review, right after you’ve done something noteworthy (a big project, a big favor or helped solve a big problem). This way you don’t have to reach to remind them of your worth.
Time of year: In the Fall lots of companies are planning their next year’s budget, which typically means they’re thinking of ways to save money so most people recommend waiting until January. 16% of all promotions since 2000 occurred in January. Also, Spring in general is one of the most optimistic times of the year; new beginnings and growth are common themes so people are generally more agreeable to trying new things…like paying you new money!
Time of Week: Thursday. Monday is generally spent setting up the goals/tasks for the week. Tuesdays are generally spent carrying out Monday’s demands. Wednesday is ‘Hump Day’, people tend to just want to get through it. Thursday, you’re seeing your way clear, able to see things you’ve accomplished and getting happy about the coming weekend. Friday’s are generally spent finishing up projects and biding your time until Friday night so most of us are a little or a lot distracted. So for my money, Thursday is the day to pop the question!
Time of day: After lunch or after breakfast. We are typically more happy and in a more agreeable mood right after we’ve done something personally satisfying…after a good meal, a good nap or good sex. Unless you happen to be married to or are currently dating your boss or your boss prone to taking ‘power naps’ at work I’d opt for the ‘after a good meal’ option. Generally after breakfast or after lunch are the times when you get the most ‘Yes’ for your buck. The happy chemical in your brain are up, stress and irritability are down and people are generally more relaxed and not as inclined to want to rush off to the next thing…which means they’re less likely to rush you off.
Take small victories at the time of defeat: In the event your request isn’t a smashing success you can still take a smaller victory.
- Ask for one time bonus as opposed to a raise
- Ask for a change in title/a better job title
- Ask what it would take for your request to be seriously considered…then get busy giving them something to consider.
Remember folks, this is money we’re talking about! People aren’t usually just gonna give it away without a good reason so it’s up to you to get in there and make a good argument for yourself!
Until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, coach, communication, expert, guru, help, job, jobs, LinkedIn, men, mental health, money, pain, raise, relationships, women, work
It’s Elementary
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I’ve always been a late night shopper. It’s never ceased to amaze me the oodles and oodles of untold goodies just sitting and waiting to be had on the shelves of a 24-hour Wal-Mart or Walgreens at 2:00 in the morning. It’s like a scavenger hunt for nothing in particular…just for the sake of the hunt. I love it! This particular night I found myself trolling the aisles of a local CVS around 10pm or so…a bit early for me and still much too crowded for my usual search and obtain missions but I did see something curious.
Or should I say I saw two somethings curious.
2 kids, with their parents. 1 mother and her 3 children and a dad and his son. The mom was Spanish speaking and the dad and his son sounded like they were speaking French. The little boy was about 5 or so and the littlest of the mother’s 3 children was about 3 years old herself…I’m guessing around 3 because she was still in pull-ups. She was one of the cutest little kids I’d ever seen, just bumbling and buzzing and bobbing around the store needing nothing at all, just happy to be there. Eventually the little boy and little girl spotted each other. He took a quick look and immediately went back to the toy car he’d been eyeing earlier. But she took a much longer look, she actually stopped and stood for a good 5 seconds or so just checking him out…pure curiousity.
Then her mom snapped the spell and called her over. Her mom had what appeared to be M&M’s for her…peanut, I think, as opposed to the pure milk chocolate ones. Personally, I’m a fan of the peanut M&M’s as well, so I was happy to see that her mom had exercised good judgment…not that the plain M&M’s would have been a bad call….just not the call I would have made. I get it, there is no denying the simplistic delightfulness of plain M&M’s, rich milk chocolate coated in a crunchy candy shell…melting in your mouth and not in your hands…it’s surreal. However, the delectable deliciousness that the peanut brings to the M&M family is undeniable. Look, I understand that the choice between plain or peanut M&M’s is intensely personal and, by right, that should not be questioned by another. I’m not judging you if you’re a plain M&M fan…I’m just saying that when it comes to comic books…make mine Marvel…and when it comes to M&M’s…make mine peanut!
But I digress…let’s see, where was I? Oh yeah, Wal-Mart and CVS shopping…kids…pull-ups…ah…that’s right…relationships!
So, the little girl takes the first M&M from her mom and chomps it down right there on the spot. Then her mom gives her another one and the little girls then does something I’ll never forget. She immediately turns and makes a beeline for the little boy, walks right up to him, doesn’t say any of the few words she has yet, and gives him the M&M! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. And can you guess what the little boy did? Yep, he took it, said ‘thank you’, and ate it! Just like that! He didn’t ask her what preschool she was attending. She didn’t ask him what kind of car he was playing with…because none of that stuff mattered. They were just two curious kids…relating on a level that kids relate on.
Simple. Easy. Unforced. Natural.
Which now brings me to the point of the story. How many of you out there have ever seen someone; beautiful, handsome, intriguing or just plain interesting…that you were curious about? Did you go up and say ‘Hi’? How many of you have ever let an opportunity like that pass you by? Yep, I have too…and I kick myself for every time I ever let it happen. Letting our own thoughts and fears and insecurities get in the way of our just being simple humans making a simply human connection.
Get out of your head about what may be wrong or may be not quite so right about you. Get out of your head about the rules you have for who a person should be in order for you to be interested. Just be real. Just be yourself. Be curious. Be courageous…just say ‘Hi’. You’d be surprised where it may go.
If two kids can do it, I know as adults we certainly can too! We’ve all got a delicious M&M to give to someone…don’t be afraid to share yours!
Until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, attraction, cheating, coach, coaching, communication, dating, divorce, expert, guru, lies, love, lust, marriage, men, relationships, sex, tips, women
Make Failure Your Friend
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Hey Everybody! Happy Holidays!!
It’s about that time again when we all start to take inventory of the past year and make plans for the next one. If this past year was fabulous for you then Congrats!! Press repeat for next year! But if it wasn’t so great, and for a lot of us it just wasn’t, then it’s time to resolve to do some things differently next time. I was back on The Today Show last week with Lesley Jane Seymour of MORE Magazine talking about just this topic. The other ‘F’ bomb…’FAILURE’!
I don’t know about you but I know I’ve experienced what seems like waaaaay more than my fair share of failure. From imploded relationships that were supposed to last forever to road blocks and boulders in the way of my career path to major life shifts and set backs…I’ve taken my fair share of lumps and bumps with the best of them and at times things have simultaneously gone both Kerplooey and Kerplunk!
I’ve failed a lot.
I used to think it sucked. Really badly. But now I’m not so sure I was right.
The fact that people fail may not be quite taboo but it definitely isn’t talked about openly nearly as much as it should. We live in a very driven, achievement oriented, goal attaining culture from careers to families to friends and yes, possessions…so we absolutely hate the word failure. Failing to succeed touches on one of the biggest fears we have as people and that’s the notion that maybe…just maybe… we’re not good enough. This idea of not being good enough can make us feel a lot of ways; it can make us feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, angry, unfulfilled or unworthy. It can make us feel stuck. And for us as people it’s the progress or growth in life that makes us happy. So this is a big deal. There’s a great article in MORE Mag that mentioned how this feeling can definitely be worse for women because of how they’re wired to think about the world. Women tend to look inward first for causes whereas men tend to look for an outside cause. The good news for women is that their chances of feeling successful are greater because they typically measure it in more ways than just career. A woman’s recipe for success also includes family, friends and community.
One of the main things that trips people up about fear is that they never allowed for the possibility that it could actually happen. So if and when it does it’s seen as catastrophic. Also, when we fail we immediately look for one of three things to blame:
- An event,
- Another person
- Ourselves.
None of those are correct. It’s an attempt to separate ourselves from it or sooth the horror of it as the article mentions but I think that’s the wrong approach. You have to embrace it.
MAKE FAILURE YOUR FRIEND!
Get to know it. Allow yourself to feel the emotion of it and let that frustration motivate you to take new action! Tell the story but change it’s meaning from one of failure to one of success or how you overcame or moved on. The good thing about failure is that it’s one of the few times in life when we really allow ourselves to think about how and what exactly happened and how to make it better for next time. Ever notice how that doesn’t happen when your attempt is successful? When we succeed we automatically assume that what we did or what we knew or what we thought was correct…and that’s not always the case. Success is a formula that must be refined and repeated until you get it right. The good news is it’s a pretty simple formula…the trick is you just have to actually do it!
A lot of people don’t know this but there are only 4 simple strategies for success you ever need to use in life:
- Know where you’re going (your destination or goal)
- Plot a course or do something, anything, to make it happen
- Check yourself to see if it’s working or find ways to measure your outcomes
- Be able to change your approach, and take new action!
Having that said, it’s time for a little hard truth. If we were already, right now, at this very moment, ready to be the success we want to be then we’d already be that and have that. So that means we’re going to need to change a few things about ourselves in order to claim what’s waiting for us. But don’t worry, these changes are super simple and are only minor adjustments to some of your daily habits.
Here are some changes we can make right now to help change the way we think about our failures:
- Change your words: Instead of saying ‘I failed’ say, “I tried’. Now instead of feeling the negative emotions that go with failure you can focus on the positive feelings of excitement and hope you had when you were in the action mode of doing. Give yourself that victory!
- Change your story: Give the story a new empowering meaning. Instead of talking about how that person, place or thing beat you down talk about it from the perspective of how you overcame. Say, ‘Look how bad things seemed then, but in the end, I didn’t let it beat me and it lead me to this place where I am now!’
- Change your associations: Find a mentor or support group who will give you honest feedback. Honestly. It helps you identify areas of weakness and lets you know you’re not alone in the struggle to succeed!
- Change yourself: It’s either going to be inspiration or desperation that drives you to change, either way, when you do reinvent yourself make sure you do it for a reason you’re really excited about! It’s that excited energy that will drive your engine straight through all obstacles and on to your success!
Remember, trying and not succeeding is all about perception. Think of it instead as just an opportunity for growth. And, yes, sometimes those disappointments can be painful. That’s one of the reasons why they call them growing pains…but remember our happiness comes from growth or progress so don’t think of things as painful failures, think of them as growth spurts! I love this quote from one of my heroes, and in my humble opinion, the single greatest most spectacular, most dominant and most elevating basketball player ever to grace the court, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, or for those who’ve ever seen him play, simply ‘MJ’, when he talks about his own journey to success:
“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
–Michael Jordan
I like to borrow a phrase from Tony Robbins when he says that ‘Sometimes we need to fail at our Dreams in order to live our Destiny!’
Keep trying until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, coach, companionship, dating, divorce, Dr. Ish Major, expert, lies, life, love, marriage, relationships, sex, tips, trust
Tag! You’re it!
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In the wild and wooly super fast paced ‘On to the next One’ ‘Keep it Movin’ world of the dating game it can be really hard to get to the heart of who people really are. Especially with online dating, set ups, hook ups and the quick ‘meet and greets’ over coffee or drinks there’s just not a lot of time to sort it all out. So that means you have to get really good really fast at figuring out where people are coming from and what their true intentions are when it comes to dating you. To that end there are things that people say and do that should clue you in to just that…little (and not so little) indicators…signs, signals, hints, and cues that help you gauge their level of interest in you. And by all means please don’t miss the red flags when it’s time to pump the brakes. Sometimes there are small red flags that are there…and then sometimes there are ginormous gargantuan Godzilla King Kong Super Sized Super Bowl Sunday God Bless America sized ‘RED FLAGS’!
For example:
A dear friend of mine shared with me a story about a ‘first date’ she recently went on that got…really interesting…towards the end. She’d heard about him through a friend and they first met while out with a group of friends. She was actually more interested in one of the other guys in the group but somehow ended up…sorry…too much foreshadowing…let’s say somehow ‘was presented with the opportunity’ to go out with someone else in the group instead. Which she did. So here’s the good stuff or the ‘white flags’ he gave her: He’s attractive, charming, employed, has his own place and his own car. Good! Pretty big stuff to check off the list. The dinner date started out without a hitch. He picked her up (from a place other than where she lived…always be safe ladies). They were driving to their destination when she noticed his colorful ‘Jameson Whiskey’ tee shirt. (Not my first choice in wardrobe to make an impression on a first date but to each his own…whatever!) That’s when she said, ‘Gee, a drink sounds really good right about now.’ To which he replied…’Really?’ Well I just happen to have some right here in my car.’ And before you ask, no, he’s not a Jameson Whiskey rep and no he’s not a whiskey delivery guy. Now personally I’m a bit of a pack rat and despite my best efforts I end up keeping lots of neat things in my own car but a bottle of whiskey isn’t one of them…but again…this ain’t about me…it’s about them.
Let’s continue with the story…
So they pull over (safety first:) and have a pre date en route drink or two in the car. Tasty. Then he says, ‘It’s probably better if we park and walk the rest of the way. I have a DUI and don’t want to get pulled over again.’ To which she understandingly replied, ‘Ok.’ Then he promptly walks her up a very steep hill in very high heels towards their destination for the evening. Along the way they pass another bar. He notices and says, ‘Hey let’s stop in here and have a drink’. Very chivalrous offer as technically he didn’t actually ‘buy’ her the first few drinks since he already owned the bottle from his car. She said ‘Ok.’ They each had another drink. Tasty indeed. The bartender hands him the tab and he promptly passes it on to her and says, ‘You got this right?’ Whoa! Ok, tee shirt on a first date, DUI and whiskey bottle in the car aside, this is a red flag if I’ve ever heard one! That was just rude. Ok guys and dolls, here’s the Dr Ish first date rule for picking up the tab…if you offer you should pay! Or at least offer to pay or split the tab. Actually I’m a little old school when it comes to this and I think guys should always pay for the first date…period. It just seems like the right thing to do.
But I digress…
So she paid. Then they soldiered on towards their destination for the evening. They arrive at the restaurant and are waiting to be seated when he notices the battery on his cell phone has died. He informs her of this emergency situation and asks if she minded if he steps over to the bar in the restaurant and charges his phone…he just happened to spot a free outlet. She said ‘Ok.’ The place wasn’t packed so the table became available pretty quickly…but he wasn’t back yet. She and the hostess, who were as close as old friends at this point, looked towards the bar and saw him having a drink…with another woman.
Yes! You heard me!
Now tee shirts and whiskey bottles and bad manners and crappy cell phone batteries aside…I think we all can agree that having a drink with a woman while you’re actually on a date…with ANOTHER woman…kind of crosses the line. My friend cleverly walks over and says, ‘There you are honey, our table is ready and I just checked in with the sitter and she says the children are just fine.’ Funny girl. He tilted his head to the side and looked at her quizzically (as they don’t actually have any children together) and shuffled on over to the table. Before she walked away from the bar the other woman grabbed her hand and explained what had just happened. She said he had walked up and asked if he could have a sip (just a sip) of her drink. She was confused because:
A. Her husband was sitting right next to her at the time…and
B. She couldn’t imagine letting a strange guy drink from her glass…so
C. She bought him his own drink…and yes
D. This guy has yet to pay for his own drink tonight!
So, they finally get to the table. They order and while waiting for their food she takes out her phone. She asked if it was ok to take a pick of them together. He said, ‘Sure, just do me a favor and don’t tag me in it…my girlfriend would get really pissed if she found out.’
Don’t tag me?!?
Really bro??
Date over!
My friend asks the server if they could go ahead and box her food up now as she would be making an early exit and to split that tab on the check as he’d be paying for his own. Good girl. She called a cab and with her very high heels she high tailed it outta there!
So what have we learned?
Well, again, when it comes to the dating game there are red flags and then there are ‘RED FLAGS’! All judgments of this guy’s choice in wardrobe and thirst for whiskey aside there are some things you just don’t do on a first date…or any date for that matter! My friend is a very nice and very sweet young woman and she probably put up with his antics waaaaay longer than she should have but in her defense she knew that date was over after he marched her up a hill in heels just to buy him a drink…they were really nice heels! This guy had an embarrassment of riches when it comes to red flags and she picked up on most of them…the whole gf getting pissed off if he was tagged thingy is pretty hard to miss! But if you’re already actually on the date it’s hard to do anything about it right then. My advice, take it for what it is. An amusing evening’s opportunity to learn a little something about someone knew who may or may not become a friend…because they certainly are not…I repeat..NOT…date worthy.
Nobody’s perfect and we all have things we don’t openly share with others until we get to know them a little better. And for first dates we all try to put our best foot forward. But if this was his ‘best foot’ I damn sure don’t wanna see his ‘worst foot’! And ladies, stop saying ‘Ok’ when guys do and say and suggest ridiculous things that you know in your heart are not ok. You have a voice…it’s ok to use it! I’ll use mine right now and tell you what I told her…
‘Next!’
Until then,
Dr. Ish
Tags: cheating, coach, counseling, couples, dating, expert, lies, love, marriage, men, relationships, sex, therapy, women
Daddy Day
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Hey everybody, I was out of the country for Father’s Day so I didn’t get to weigh in on all the Father’s Day sentiment then…but I’m back now…so here goes.
First I’d like to thank my very own father for everything he’s ever done for me, done with me, done to me (Ouch! Lol) helped me do, helped me through, taught to me and still tries to teach me! He’s done a lot! Our dad was fortunate enough to have an amazing woman to help him as well…they made one helluva team!
Dads are interesting. They’re one of the few groups of people who can be mind bogglingly complicated and at the same time super simple to understand. They can frustrate you to no end and yet their approval can give you boundless joy and pride! Dads are complex. And I guess it makes sense. I mean, they’re just guys right? Trying to do the best they can with what they know.
With so many homes run by women today I think the idea of exactly who and what a dad can do gets lost in the mix. So here are some not-so-fun facts about dads to remind us why they’re such a critical part of the family puzzle.
Did you know:
1 out of 3 children live in homes with the biological father absent? That
climbs to 2 out of 3 for African Americans or about 70%.
Children in a dad absent home are almost 4 times more likely to be poor?
Children born to a dad absent environment are more aggressive, have higher
rates of incarceration, teen pregnancy, risk of child abuse, risk of drug abuse
and risk of depression and suicide?
Get it?
But what does it mean to be a father? No, better yet, a dad. A father is the guy whose name may or may not be on your birth certificate or the DNA results that Maury pulls out of the envelope. A daddy is the guy who ran behind me the first time I tried to ride my bicycle without training wheels… A dad shows their little boys how to become men and shows their little girls why exactly it is they are worth every ounce of love they ever want in life.
Got that?
What a lot of people don’t know is that there are specific things a dad can do that have a direct and almost immediate magical effect on children. It’s what I call being a ‘Show and Tell’ dad.
When a dad shows a child love and acceptance it tells them there are secure…
When a dad shows a child appreciation it tells them they are significant…
When a dad shows a child he’s available it tells them they are important…
When a dad shows a child affection it tells them they are lovable…
That’s so good!
See how that works? Simple. I think fathers put too much pressure on themselves at the outset and that’s in part why a lot of them are counted absent on ‘ Daddy Day’. But fathers remember this: kids don’t need you to be perfect…they just need you to be present. You don’t have to hit a home run every time…it’s all about the everyday pop singles that move you around the bases. You don’t have to coach the little league team…just show up to watch the game.
So to all the true father’s out there; the dads, the daddy’s, the papa’s, the pop’s, the pa’s, the ‘ol man’s, the providers the protectors, the disciplinarians, the sometimes judges, the sometimes jury, the often times both…to the guys who leave home every morning to go to work and come back home every night…to the guys who you grow up to be best friends with…I salute you all! Job well done men!
Thank you Daddy…
Dr. Ish
She’s Having a ‘Fat’ Day…
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As most of you know I moved to Miami a short while ago. It’s funny, even though I’m farther away from most of my friends I’ve somehow been seeing them more frequently lately…Miami’s a great place to meet up and hang out with friends! A female friend of mine recently came to town and things got…interesting.
Wait, that’s not the right word, is it? The word I mean is…tense!!
Here’s the situation. She came to town to hang out and over the course of the weekend some of her girlfriends were coming to town as well so we were all going to link up. Before they got here though we had some one on one time to catch up. So, me being me I suggested we link up in SoBe and have a few drinks, maybe some dancing, then more drinks, maybe food, do some shopping and definitely drinks!
Bartender! Bartender! Gimme sumthin’ on ice! Another round of Mojitos please!!
But alas, things didn’t go quite as planned. For whatever reason she was having none of it. She was having ‘one of those days’. She was in a foul mood the minute she stepped off the plane. An ill mood. A whiny mood. A cranky mood. A hard to please, don’t feel like being bothered, don’t wanna eat, don’t wanna drink, don’t wanna go out, don’t wanna do anything just leave me alone kinda mood!
Really? You do realize you landed in Miami right? Ok…
So here’s where my natural ‘guy’ instincts kick in and I automatically assumed I must have done something to put her in a funk. Knowing me it could’ve been anything.
Was I late picking her up from the airport? Just a little.
Does she have a rare Mojito allergy I forgot about? Maybe.
Did I suggest the wrong spot to hang out? Possibly.
Did I do or not do something to her liking? Likely.
Did I say something crude, off color or downright offensive? Probably:-)
However it came to be, seemed like she was at a high level of pissed-offed-ness at me. And now I was getting angry too!
Life coach guru Tony Robbins teaches that when you’re having a tough time relating to someone you have to ask yourself one crucial question. ‘What else could this mean?’ My old psychoanalysis teacher called this technique ‘Examining the evidence’. So I took a step back and tried to think what else could be causing this? What evidence is there that I’m the cause of her bad mood? In this case there was none! There was nothing I could find that I did or said that would have put her in this mood so I decided to give her a little space. I said, ‘Hey, looks like you’re not in a good state to go out and be around people right now so why don’t you take some ‘me’ time and give me a call in a few hours if you feel up to going out’. She said, ‘Ok.’
A few hours (and a few solo rounds of Mojitos) later, she called. We met up at Mangos on Ocean and the first thing she said was. ‘Hey, sorry about earlier, I just stepped off the plane and felt fat. It seemed like none of the clothes I packed fit right and I just wasn’t looking or feeling my best. I just felt bad about myself.’ Damn. What makes that even more shocking is that this woman is one of the most amazingly stunning models I’ve ever seen. A true bombshell!! If she can have a day like this the rest of us certainly can as well! Gotta love her level of insight though!
She felt insecure.
She felt a dip in her self-esteem.
She felt unlikable
She felt irritable.
She felt…fat.
I accepted her apology and acknowledged her explanation. We all have ‘fat days’ or down days or days where we don’t feel quite up to par or on top of our game. It’s not a friends responsibility to get us out of those moods but a good friend will be there to help us through it when we’ve decided to come out of it on our own. We went on to have a really good time while she was here!
So what did I learn? Well, usually, when someone is upset, just because you’re in their presence doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the reason they’re angry. Their mood is just that. Theirs. We are only responsible for our own moods and emotional states! If you remember this you’ll find that 99% of the time other people’s moods have absolutely positively nothing to do with you! That’s a difficult concept to learn but once you do you’re relationships will get abundantly easier to manage!
So remember, next time someone around you is in a funk, don’t take it personal. Do what Tony Robbins says and ask ‘What else could this mean?’ Pretend you’re Horatio Caine from CSI and ‘Examine the evidence and see where it leads.’ Chances are it doesn’t lead anywhere near you!
Until Next Time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, advise, attraction, cheating, coach, coaching, communication, counseling, couples, CSI, dating, differences, divorce, expert, guru, infidelity, lies, love, lust, marriage, men, mental health, pain, reality show, relationships, sex, specialist, therapy, tips, Tony Robbins, women
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