Make Failure Your Friend

Hey Everybody! Happy Holidays!!

It’s about that time again when we all start to take inventory of the past year and make plans for the next one. If this past year was fabulous for you then Congrats!! Press repeat for next year! But if it wasn’t so great, and for a lot of us it just wasn’t, then it’s time to resolve to do some things differently next time. I was back on The Today Show last week with Lesley Jane Seymour of MORE Magazine talking about just this topic. The other ‘F’ bomb…’FAILURE’!

I don’t know about you but I know I’ve experienced what seems like waaaaay more than my fair share of failure. From imploded relationships that were supposed to last forever to road blocks and boulders in the way of my career path to major life shifts and set backs…I’ve taken my fair share of lumps and bumps with the best of them and at times things have simultaneously gone both Kerplooey and Kerplunk!

I’ve failed a lot.

I used to think it sucked. Really badly. But now I’m not so sure I was right.

The fact that people fail may not be quite taboo but it definitely isn’t talked about openly nearly as much as it should. We live in a very driven, achievement oriented, goal attaining culture from careers to families to friends and yes, possessions…so we absolutely hate the word failure. Failing to succeed touches on one of the biggest fears we have as people and that’s the notion that maybe…just maybe… we’re not good enough.  This idea of not being good enough can make us feel a lot of ways; it can make us feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, angry, unfulfilled or unworthy. It can make us feel stuck. And for us as people it’s the progress or growth in life that makes us happy. So this is a big deal. There’s a great article in MORE Mag that mentioned how this feeling can definitely be worse for women because of how they’re wired to think about the world. Women tend to look inward first for causes whereas men tend to look for an outside cause. The good news for women is that their chances of feeling successful are greater because they typically measure it in more ways than just career. A woman’s recipe for success also includes family, friends and community.

One of the main things that trips people up about fear is that they never allowed for the possibility that it could actually happen. So if and when it does it’s seen as catastrophic. Also, when we fail we immediately look for one of three things to blame:

1. An event,
2. Another person
3. Ourselves.  

None of those are correct. It’s an attempt to separate ourselves from it or sooth the horror of it as the article mentions but I think that’s the wrong approach. You have to embrace it.

MAKE FAILURE YOUR FRIEND!

Get to know it. Allow yourself to feel the emotion of it and let that frustration motivate you to take new action! Tell the story but change it’s meaning from one of failure to one of success or how you overcame or moved on. The good thing about failure is that it’s one of the few times in life when we really allow ourselves to think about how and what exactly happened and how to make it better for next time. Ever notice how that doesn’t happen when your attempt is successful? When we succeed we automatically assume that what we did or what we knew or what we thought was correct…and that’s not always the case. Success is a formula that must be refined and repeated until you get it right. The good news is it’s a pretty simple formula…the trick is you just have to actually do it!

A lot of people don’t know this but there are only 4 simple strategies for success you ever need to use in life:

1. Know where you’re going (your destination or goal)
2. Plot a course or do something, anything, to make it happen
3. Check yourself to see if it’s working or find ways to measure your outcomes
4. Be able to change your approach, and take new action!

Having that said, it’s time for a little hard truth. If we were already, right now, at this very moment, ready to be the success we want to be then we’d already be that and have that. So that means we’re going to need to change a few things about ourselves in order to claim what’s waiting for us. But don’t worry, these changes are super simple and are only minor adjustments to some of your daily habits.

Here are some changes we can make right now to help change the way we think about our failures:

1. Change your words: Instead of saying ‘I failed’ say, “I tried’.  Now instead of feeling the negative emotions that go with failure you can focus on the positive feelings of excitement and hope you had when you were in the action mode of doing. Give yourself that victory!
2. Change your story: Give the story a new empowering meaning. Instead of talking about how that person, place or thing beat you down talk about it from the perspective of how you overcame. Say, ‘Look how bad things seemed then, but in the end, I didn’t let it beat me and it lead me to this place where I am now!’
3. Change your associations: Find a mentor or support group who will give you honest feedback. Honestly. It helps you identify areas of weakness and lets you know you’re not alone in the struggle to succeed!
4. Change yourself: It’s either going to be inspiration or desperation that drives you to change, either way, when you do reinvent yourself make sure you do it for a reason you’re really excited about! It’s that excited energy that will drive your engine straight through all obstacles and on to your success!

Remember, trying and not succeeding is all about perception. Think of it instead as just an opportunity for growth. And, yes, sometimes those disappointments can be painful. That’s one of the reasons why they call them growing pains…but remember our happiness comes from growth or progress so don’t think of things as painful failures, think of them as growth spurts! I love this quote from one of my heroes, and in my humble opinion, the single greatest most spectacular, most dominant and most elevating basketball player ever to grace the court, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, or for those who’ve ever seen him play, simply ‘MJ’, when he talks about his own journey to success:

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

                                    –Michael Jordan

I like to borrow a phrase from Tony Robbins when he says that ‘Sometimes we need to fail at our Dreams in order to live our Destiny!’

Keep trying until next time,

Dr. Ish

 

---

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: advice, coach, companionship, dating, divorce, Dr. Ish Major, expert, lies, life, love, marriage, relationships, sex, tips, trust