Settling Down

I had a very interesting conversation a few weeks ago. It had to do with the idea of ‘settling’. Are you familiar with this concept? The idea, is that the numbers are so stacked against you as a single woman dating; the odds are so small of you finding a good man; the chances of you meeting, dating, loving, marrying and staying with a good man are so minute that snowballs in hell have faired much better…that you should just take whomever comes along and make the best of it. I’m not sure so I have to ask…what do you all think about that? I mean I get it, the numbers aren’t good. The pickings are slim. Trying to find a single (really single), not in jail, not unemployed, not ‘hustlin’, not living with his Mom, not homosexual (not that it’s a bad thing but just probably not a good thing for you in this case Ma’am), not ‘crazy’ (as in controlling, neglectful or abusive), and who would love you and you only can seem like a tall task. Ok, a giant task. I guess, finding one who’s never been married and has no kids would be icing on that cake huh? Even still, is it really that bad? Really? I actually don’t have an opinion on this yet so I want to hear from you all. Write back and tell me what you think about this.

This much I know, like all situations there are probably some pros and cons here as well. For example, here are some arguments for settling:

Pickings are slim and we’re lucky to find anyone these days. I can always learn to love them in time… We’re basically going to be roommates anyway after we’re married so what’s the big deal? We’re just going to be partners is raising kids anyway so do I really need to love them, love them? We’re hardly going to see each other anyway so it doesn’t matter if I don’t like them that much… I can appreciate what they would provide for me and the family and that’s what matters most. As long as there are more good things than bad… As long as he is there, piece of a man is better than none at all… I don’t want to be alone when I get old…

Here are some arguments against settling:

You don’t love them… Some days you barely even like them… No genuine happiness to be around them… Emotional discontent and stress leads to physical stress on your body (headaches, high blood pressure, aches and pains, weight gain, etc, etc) Emotional discontent and stress leads to emotional discontent and stress in your children (which they cannot explain to you so they show you by acting it out by not doing well in school, not listening to you or teachers, misbehaving, hanging out with the ‘wrong crowd’ just to avoid being home, experimenting with drugs, basically doing any and everything to get your attention off of you your problems and back to them which is where it should be). This all leads to more emotional stress for you. We call that a feedback loop. That gnawing growing feeling of resentment you feel because every time you look at that person deep down you always wonder if you could have ‘done better’ or if your true ‘Mr. Right’ was really out there.

The interesting thing about this conversation was the amount of anger, bitterness and utter disappointment the young ladies conveyed to me while they were attempting to convince me that settling was actually going to be ok for them. I wasn’t sure if they were trying to convince themselves or me…I’m guessing the former.

Maybe I just have a different thought process from some but despite how hard life may smack me upside my head sometimes I always tend to believe the best is possible. I know some of you may disagree with this as well but I’m also a hopeless romantic! I truly believe that real love; true love; that one in a million home run out of the park where have you been all of my life love is there; waiting for you. Your only job is to be able to recognize it when you see it; hold onto it with everything you’ve got and never forget how lucky you both are!

But again, I am a realist. (Which oddly enough means I try to keep it…real:-)) I understand there are immediate and practical concerns to this whole man woman finding someone thing. I’m more interested in what you all have to say about this one so please, feel free to post some comments either on FB or my blog and let me know what you really think! Guys, definitely weigh in on this one! Do you know anyone who’s doing this? Are they happy? Do you think you could be happy? Let me know…

Dr. Ish

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Tags: advise, coaching, dating, lies, men, relationships, tips, women