Dating, Mating and Relating with Dr. Ish
Daddy Day
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Hey everybody, I was out of the country for Father’s Day so I didn’t get to weigh in on all the Father’s Day sentiment then…but I’m back now…so here goes.
First I’d like to thank my very own father for everything he’s ever done for me, done with me, done to me (Ouch! Lol) helped me do, helped me through, taught to me and still tries to teach me! He’s done a lot! Our dad was fortunate enough to have an amazing woman to help him as well…they made one helluva team!
Dads are interesting. They’re one of the few groups of people who can be mind bogglingly complicated and at the same time super simple to understand. They can frustrate you to no end and yet their approval can give you boundless joy and pride! Dads are complex. And I guess it makes sense. I mean, they’re just guys right? Trying to do the best they can with what they know.
With so many homes run by women today I think the idea of exactly who and what a dad can do gets lost in the mix. So here are some not-so-fun facts about dads to remind us why they’re such a critical part of the family puzzle.
Did you know:
1 out of 3 children live in homes with the biological father absent? That
climbs to 2 out of 3 for African Americans or about 70%.
Children in a dad absent home are almost 4 times more likely to be poor?
Children born to a dad absent environment are more aggressive, have higher
rates of incarceration, teen pregnancy, risk of child abuse, risk of drug abuse
and risk of depression and suicide?
Get it?
But what does it mean to be a father? No, better yet, a dad. A father is the guy whose name may or may not be on your birth certificate or the DNA results that Maury pulls out of the envelope. A daddy is the guy who ran behind me the first time I tried to ride my bicycle without training wheels… A dad shows their little boys how to become men and shows their little girls why exactly it is they are worth every ounce of love they ever want in life.
Got that?
What a lot of people don’t know is that there are specific things a dad can do that have a direct and almost immediate magical effect on children. It’s what I call being a ‘Show and Tell’ dad.
When a dad shows a child love and acceptance it tells them there are secure…
When a dad shows a child appreciation it tells them they are significant…
When a dad shows a child he’s available it tells them they are important…
When a dad shows a child affection it tells them they are lovable…
That’s so good!
See how that works? Simple. I think fathers put too much pressure on themselves at the outset and that’s in part why a lot of them are counted absent on ‘ Daddy Day’. But fathers remember this: kids don’t need you to be perfect…they just need you to be present. You don’t have to hit a home run every time…it’s all about the everyday pop singles that move you around the bases. You don’t have to coach the little league team…just show up to watch the game.
So to all the true father’s out there; the dads, the daddy’s, the papa’s, the pop’s, the pa’s, the ‘ol man’s, the providers the protectors, the disciplinarians, the sometimes judges, the sometimes jury, the often times both…to the guys who leave home every morning to go to work and come back home every night…to the guys who you grow up to be best friends with…I salute you all! Job well done men!
Thank you Daddy…
Dr. Ish
She’s Having a ‘Fat’ Day…
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As most of you know I moved to Miami a short while ago. It’s funny, even though I’m farther away from most of my friends I’ve somehow been seeing them more frequently lately…Miami’s a great place to meet up and hang out with friends! A female friend of mine recently came to town and things got…interesting.
Wait, that’s not the right word, is it? The word I mean is…tense!!
Here’s the situation. She came to town to hang out and over the course of the weekend some of her girlfriends were coming to town as well so we were all going to link up. Before they got here though we had some one on one time to catch up. So, me being me I suggested we link up in SoBe and have a few drinks, maybe some dancing, then more drinks, maybe food, do some shopping and definitely drinks!
Bartender! Bartender! Gimme sumthin’ on ice! Another round of Mojitos please!!
But alas, things didn’t go quite as planned. For whatever reason she was having none of it. She was having ‘one of those days’. She was in a foul mood the minute she stepped off the plane. An ill mood. A whiny mood. A cranky mood. A hard to please, don’t feel like being bothered, don’t wanna eat, don’t wanna drink, don’t wanna go out, don’t wanna do anything just leave me alone kinda mood!
Really? You do realize you landed in Miami right? Ok…
So here’s where my natural ‘guy’ instincts kick in and I automatically assumed I must have done something to put her in a funk. Knowing me it could’ve been anything.
Was I late picking her up from the airport? Just a little.
Does she have a rare Mojito allergy I forgot about? Maybe.
Did I suggest the wrong spot to hang out? Possibly.
Did I do or not do something to her liking? Likely.
Did I say something crude, off color or downright offensive? Probably:-)
However it came to be, seemed like she was at a high level of pissed-offed-ness at me. And now I was getting angry too!
Life coach guru Tony Robbins teaches that when you’re having a tough time relating to someone you have to ask yourself one crucial question. ‘What else could this mean?’ My old psychoanalysis teacher called this technique ‘Examining the evidence’. So I took a step back and tried to think what else could be causing this? What evidence is there that I’m the cause of her bad mood? In this case there was none! There was nothing I could find that I did or said that would have put her in this mood so I decided to give her a little space. I said, ‘Hey, looks like you’re not in a good state to go out and be around people right now so why don’t you take some ‘me’ time and give me a call in a few hours if you feel up to going out’. She said, ‘Ok.’
A few hours (and a few solo rounds of Mojitos) later, she called. We met up at Mangos on Ocean and the first thing she said was. ‘Hey, sorry about earlier, I just stepped off the plane and felt fat. It seemed like none of the clothes I packed fit right and I just wasn’t looking or feeling my best. I just felt bad about myself.’ Damn. What makes that even more shocking is that this woman is one of the most amazingly stunning models I’ve ever seen. A true bombshell!! If she can have a day like this the rest of us certainly can as well! Gotta love her level of insight though!
She felt insecure.
She felt a dip in her self-esteem.
She felt unlikable
She felt irritable.
She felt…fat.
I accepted her apology and acknowledged her explanation. We all have ‘fat days’ or down days or days where we don’t feel quite up to par or on top of our game. It’s not a friends responsibility to get us out of those moods but a good friend will be there to help us through it when we’ve decided to come out of it on our own. We went on to have a really good time while she was here!
So what did I learn? Well, usually, when someone is upset, just because you’re in their presence doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the reason they’re angry. Their mood is just that. Theirs. We are only responsible for our own moods and emotional states! If you remember this you’ll find that 99% of the time other people’s moods have absolutely positively nothing to do with you! That’s a difficult concept to learn but once you do you’re relationships will get abundantly easier to manage!
So remember, next time someone around you is in a funk, don’t take it personal. Do what Tony Robbins says and ask ‘What else could this mean?’ Pretend you’re Horatio Caine from CSI and ‘Examine the evidence and see where it leads.’ Chances are it doesn’t lead anywhere near you!
Until Next Time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, advise, attraction, cheating, coach, coaching, communication, counseling, couples, CSI, dating, differences, divorce, expert, guru, infidelity, lies, love, lust, marriage, men, mental health, pain, reality show, relationships, sex, specialist, therapy, tips, Tony Robbins, women
I Can Love You Better
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It was a great weekend! I was invited for a second time to Charleston, SC to be a guest speaker at Suite Life Beauty Studio’s wine tasting and networking event. There was a really good turn out and the interesting thing was that we had more men than women this time. I thought that would make for a very interesting relationship discussion.
I was right!
The ladies got to hear first hand what it was that men thought about them. The men got to hear what it was that really frustrates women about them in turn. I encouraged everyone to express themselves freely (and after I reassured the men there would be no backlash or repercussions) they did!
The ladies sounded off first. The same frustrations seemed to be shared by the majority of women. Here they are:
Procrastination (if I ask you to do something…do it!)
Trust (as in I can’t trust my man)
Dishonesty (why do men lie so much?)
Indecisiveness (that’s my word…the women actually used the term ‘Mama’s Boys’…Ouch!)
Quality time, quality time, quality time (oh yeah,…and I think I heard them say they wanted more quality time too)
Out of all of the complaints, the women seemed the most upset about the procrastination and quality time issues. In their words they would ask their man something (usually to do something) and the response would be…less than immediate…or none at all. Also, while they were highly appreciative of what their men did and for having them around, they really wanted that more intimate one-on-one couple’s time with them. Not necessarily in a sexual way or a planned activity way…more in an everyday enjoying each other’s space kind of way.
As for the men, they had some really interesting things to say! They spoke freely and their voices were heard clearly by the women. Here are their most common frustrations:
Unable to satisfy (in the words of one guest…”Just what do women want from us?”
She seems to change from week to week or month to month (some guys felt like their lady’s moods were like an emotional roller-coaster and they were just trying to hang on.
Me time (as in quality time…with myself!)
Some of the guys felt like they were doing everything their woman asked and yet for some reason their woman still wasn’t completely satisfied all of the times. As a whole the men supported the idea of their ‘me time’ as well. I think women have to understand that before you can connect with your man you have to let him de-stress and reconnect with himself in his own way.
As we closed I thought it would be neat for the women to hear from each guy as he told them what his most favorite thing about women was. The answers were eloquent and insightful! One gentleman said he loved a woman’s ability to be compassionate! Another loved their individuality ‘They are all so unique!’ he shouted. A young single guy said he couldn’t decide on just one thing but he knew for sure that ‘There is nothing in this world more beautiful that a woman!’ (And the women just melted in their chairs…awwww) I thought it would have been really important for the ladies to hear that from the men themselves…I was right!
I wish there was a way for me to capture in words the pure unbridled level of emotion that filled that room! The passion was there from both sides! Initially, they felt each other out. Then once they got to know each other the energy heated up. Connections were made. Promises proclaimed. Confrontations and concessions were allowed. What was obvious throughout the process was how much they enjoyed each other! Kinda like in a real relationship…hmmm…interesting…
We all get caught up in the day to day grind of life and forget sometimes to take a step back and really take notice of what we appreciate about each other. This was a great forum for everyone’s voices to be heard and to tell each other just that. What I took away from that night was that men still really love women and women really love men… still! What we’re all looking for is just a way to love each other better!
Dr. Ish
Settling Down
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I had a very interesting conversation a few weeks ago. It had to do with the idea of ‘settling’. Are you familiar with this concept? The idea, is that the numbers are so stacked against you as a single woman dating; the odds are so small of you finding a good man; the chances of you meeting, dating, loving, marrying and staying with a good man are so minute that snowballs in hell have faired much better…that you should just take whomever comes along and make the best of it. I’m not sure so I have to ask…what do you all think about that? I mean I get it, the numbers aren’t good. The pickings are slim. Trying to find a single (really single), not in jail, not unemployed, not ‘hustlin’, not living with his Mom, not homosexual (not that it’s a bad thing but just probably not a good thing for you in this case Ma’am), not ‘crazy’ (as in controlling, neglectful or abusive), and who would love you and you only can seem like a tall task. Ok, a giant task. I guess, finding one who’s never been married and has no kids would be icing on that cake huh? Even still, is it really that bad? Really? I actually don’t have an opinion on this yet so I want to hear from you all. Write back and tell me what you think about this.
This much I know, like all situations there are probably some pros and cons here as well. For example, here are some arguments for settling:
Pickings are slim and we’re lucky to find anyone these days. I can always learn to love them in time… We’re basically going to be roommates anyway after we’re married so what’s the big deal? We’re just going to be partners is raising kids anyway so do I really need to love them, love them? We’re hardly going to see each other anyway so it doesn’t matter if I don’t like them that much… I can appreciate what they would provide for me and the family and that’s what matters most. As long as there are more good things than bad… As long as he is there, piece of a man is better than none at all… I don’t want to be alone when I get old…
Here are some arguments against settling:
You don’t love them… Some days you barely even like them… No genuine happiness to be around them… Emotional discontent and stress leads to physical stress on your body (headaches, high blood pressure, aches and pains, weight gain, etc, etc) Emotional discontent and stress leads to emotional discontent and stress in your children (which they cannot explain to you so they show you by acting it out by not doing well in school, not listening to you or teachers, misbehaving, hanging out with the ‘wrong crowd’ just to avoid being home, experimenting with drugs, basically doing any and everything to get your attention off of you your problems and back to them which is where it should be). This all leads to more emotional stress for you. We call that a feedback loop. That gnawing growing feeling of resentment you feel because every time you look at that person deep down you always wonder if you could have ‘done better’ or if your true ‘Mr. Right’ was really out there.
The interesting thing about this conversation was the amount of anger, bitterness and utter disappointment the young ladies conveyed to me while they were attempting to convince me that settling was actually going to be ok for them. I wasn’t sure if they were trying to convince themselves or me…I’m guessing the former.
Maybe I just have a different thought process from some but despite how hard life may smack me upside my head sometimes I always tend to believe the best is possible. I know some of you may disagree with this as well but I’m also a hopeless romantic! I truly believe that real love; true love; that one in a million home run out of the park where have you been all of my life love is there; waiting for you. Your only job is to be able to recognize it when you see it; hold onto it with everything you’ve got and never forget how lucky you both are!
But again, I am a realist. (Which oddly enough means I try to keep it…real:-)) I understand there are immediate and practical concerns to this whole man woman finding someone thing. I’m more interested in what you all have to say about this one so please, feel free to post some comments either on FB or my blog and let me know what you really think! Guys, definitely weigh in on this one! Do you know anyone who’s doing this? Are they happy? Do you think you could be happy? Let me know…
Dr. Ish
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