Dating, Mating and Relating with Dr. Ish

No, this is not an ode to Sir Mix-A-Lot. But I am a fan. And I kinda am lying just a little…I mean, I like some big butts, not all, but some, some medium butts, some small ones…just depends on the woman and how she carries it…I mean, as long as it’s well formed I’m pretty much ok with it…but I digress☺ This isn’t about women’s perfectly formed asses…I’m not talking about those kinds of butts. This is about those other kinds of ‘buts’. The less obvious kind. Those excuses and rationalizations we all use to talk ourselves into or out of something.

We’ve all been there.

Man, those shoes are so nice…but…don’t have the extra cash right now.
I really hate to get rid of my sport’s car…but…we’ve got a baby on the way.
OMG, he’s everything I ever wanted in a man, he’s sexy, single and successful…but…he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now so I’ll just ‘hang out’, ‘go out’, ‘come around’, ‘get to know’ him until he’s ready and sees that I’m the one
(Uh huh)
She’s super cute, I’d love to get to know her a little better…but…I already have a girlfriend…but…there’s nothing wrong with being ‘friends’;-)
(See what I did there? A double ‘but’, lol!)

And one of my all time favorites…

Wow, I just met this great person and they’d be perfect for me…but…(they’re married or I’m married or they aren’t ready to settle down or I’m not ready to settle down or they have kids or I don’t want kids or they live too far away or they live too close or they have the wrong height, weight, hair color, hair length, body type, body odor, clothes, job, car, education, zip-code, friends, family or whatever potentially deal-breaking trait for a mate you have on your list. It could be anything…

So, despite our ‘buts’, (and I’m guilty of this too) why do so many of us plow right ahead anyway? Getting into a relationship that deep down we know just doesn’t feel right. They shown us who they are, they’ve told us what they want or don’t want but we still proceed to fill in subtext of who we think they should be or what they ‘really’ want.

I wonder why that is?

Are we all just so driven by pleasure seeking that we want what we want when we want it and even if it only makes us happy for a little while then that’s ok, I’ll deal with the other stuff later?
Are we all just a little too selfish? Is it that what we want is more important than letting that other person be themselves and maybe, just maybe, if they like or love us enough they’ll want to change for us?
Are we all just so sick and tired of not having that person we want or being alone that we’re willing to take (also known as settling) anything that comes reasonably close to what we want?

Spoiler alert folks: Round pegs never completely fill square holes.

That sporty little black sports car you have isn’t going to miraculously change colors overnight into the shiny red one you really wanted. Fellas, that cute as hell, sweet as can be, joy to be around, can take her anywhere, raven haired girlfriend of yours isn’t gonna wake up in your bed one bright morning looking like a 6 foot supermodel if she doesn’t already. Ladies, that super nice, attentive as hell, gentle, caring, would never hurt me, would never cheat on me, 5’7”, 202 lbs, boyfriend of yours with the bad skin is never…I repeat…never…going to knock on your door one Friday night all grown up looking tall, dark and handsome. That’s just not how it works and it’s so not fair to expect that of them.

That’s not who they are. And for most of them, that’s not who they’re trying to be. They’re perfectly ok with who they were on the day they met you. So I wonder why it’s so hard for most of us to accept that? No ‘buts’. I think you’ve gotta meet people exactly where they are. Right now today. Like it, love it or leave it alone. Let us not forget the immortal words of Sir Usher Raymond when he said…”Eat it…or throw it away!”

It’s so not fair to others for us to try and jam them into our lives feet first and make them fit. I bet there’s somebody out there who they’d be just perfect for…right now…exactly as they are. I bet there’s somebody out there who you’re perfect for…right now…exactly as you are. I wonder what would happen if we found the courage to let them go find each other? It’s only human nature to associate all loss with something bad…but…if you lose something that wasn’t right for you to begin with doesn’t that make it a good thing? So don’t think of it as a loss…but…think of the true happiness you’ve now given yourself the freedom to gain!

Until Next Time,

Dr. Ish