Dating, Mating and Relating with Dr. Ish
Pay me my money!
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“Money isn’t everything…but it is reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale.
Zig Ziglar
Love that quote from Zig! Hi everybody, I had a recent appearance on The Today Show with Nicole Williams from LinkedIn talking about the right way to ask for a raise. I’ve gotten lots and lots of questions about the particulars so I thoughts I’d jot it all and break it all down for you here.
When it comes to asking for and getting what you want, timing is everything! A well-timed request can be the difference between getting everything you want or getting brushed aside. Here’s what we know. Happy people say yes (or some close approximation of a ‘yes’) more often than those who aren’t so a good golden rule to follow when asking for what you want is to ask when they’re in their ‘happy place’. Whether you’re asking for a raise in salary or allowance (listen up kids:) or anything else you want, these tips just may get you over that hump!
Make an appointment: You never want to have an important conversation when the other person is preoccupied, busy, distracted or flat out not available to sit and talk. Best way to avoid that? Ask them, “When’s a good time to talk about my/our _______” (fill in the blank with your request). This way you’ve given them an element of control of the situation and given them time to prepare so they don’t feel ambushed by the topic or request.
Time it around an event: The tried and true best events are when you’re interviewing for a new job, have just received a promotion/change in title, during a performance review, right after you’ve done something noteworthy (a big project, a big favor or helped solve a big problem). This way you don’t have to reach to remind them of your worth.
Time of year: In the Fall lots of companies are planning their next year’s budget, which typically means they’re thinking of ways to save money so most people recommend waiting until January. 16% of all promotions since 2000 occurred in January. Also, Spring in general is one of the most optimistic times of the year; new beginnings and growth are common themes so people are generally more agreeable to trying new things…like paying you new money!
Time of Week: Thursday. Monday is generally spent setting up the goals/tasks for the week. Tuesdays are generally spent carrying out Monday’s demands. Wednesday is ‘Hump Day’, people tend to just want to get through it. Thursday, you’re seeing your way clear, able to see things you’ve accomplished and getting happy about the coming weekend. Friday’s are generally spent finishing up projects and biding your time until Friday night so most of us are a little or a lot distracted. So for my money, Thursday is the day to pop the question!
Time of day: After lunch or after breakfast. We are typically more happy and in a more agreeable mood right after we’ve done something personally satisfying…after a good meal, a good nap or good sex. Unless you happen to be married to or are currently dating your boss or your boss prone to taking ‘power naps’ at work I’d opt for the ‘after a good meal’ option. Generally after breakfast or after lunch are the times when you get the most ‘Yes’ for your buck. The happy chemical in your brain are up, stress and irritability are down and people are generally more relaxed and not as inclined to want to rush off to the next thing…which means they’re less likely to rush you off.
Take small victories at the time of defeat: In the event your request isn’t a smashing success you can still take a smaller victory.
- Ask for one time bonus as opposed to a raise
- Ask for a change in title/a better job title
- Ask what it would take for your request to be seriously considered…then get busy giving them something to consider.
Remember folks, this is money we’re talking about! People aren’t usually just gonna give it away without a good reason so it’s up to you to get in there and make a good argument for yourself!
Until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, coach, communication, expert, guru, help, job, jobs, LinkedIn, men, mental health, money, pain, raise, relationships, women, work
It’s Elementary
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I’ve always been a late night shopper. It’s never ceased to amaze me the oodles and oodles of untold goodies just sitting and waiting to be had on the shelves of a 24-hour Wal-Mart or Walgreens at 2:00 in the morning. It’s like a scavenger hunt for nothing in particular…just for the sake of the hunt. I love it! This particular night I found myself trolling the aisles of a local CVS around 10pm or so…a bit early for me and still much too crowded for my usual search and obtain missions but I did see something curious.
Or should I say I saw two somethings curious.
2 kids, with their parents. 1 mother and her 3 children and a dad and his son. The mom was Spanish speaking and the dad and his son sounded like they were speaking French. The little boy was about 5 or so and the littlest of the mother’s 3 children was about 3 years old herself…I’m guessing around 3 because she was still in pull-ups. She was one of the cutest little kids I’d ever seen, just bumbling and buzzing and bobbing around the store needing nothing at all, just happy to be there. Eventually the little boy and little girl spotted each other. He took a quick look and immediately went back to the toy car he’d been eyeing earlier. But she took a much longer look, she actually stopped and stood for a good 5 seconds or so just checking him out…pure curiousity.
Then her mom snapped the spell and called her over. Her mom had what appeared to be M&M’s for her…peanut, I think, as opposed to the pure milk chocolate ones. Personally, I’m a fan of the peanut M&M’s as well, so I was happy to see that her mom had exercised good judgment…not that the plain M&M’s would have been a bad call….just not the call I would have made. I get it, there is no denying the simplistic delightfulness of plain M&M’s, rich milk chocolate coated in a crunchy candy shell…melting in your mouth and not in your hands…it’s surreal. However, the delectable deliciousness that the peanut brings to the M&M family is undeniable. Look, I understand that the choice between plain or peanut M&M’s is intensely personal and, by right, that should not be questioned by another. I’m not judging you if you’re a plain M&M fan…I’m just saying that when it comes to comic books…make mine Marvel…and when it comes to M&M’s…make mine peanut!
But I digress…let’s see, where was I? Oh yeah, Wal-Mart and CVS shopping…kids…pull-ups…ah…that’s right…relationships!
So, the little girl takes the first M&M from her mom and chomps it down right there on the spot. Then her mom gives her another one and the little girls then does something I’ll never forget. She immediately turns and makes a beeline for the little boy, walks right up to him, doesn’t say any of the few words she has yet, and gives him the M&M! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. And can you guess what the little boy did? Yep, he took it, said ‘thank you’, and ate it! Just like that! He didn’t ask her what preschool she was attending. She didn’t ask him what kind of car he was playing with…because none of that stuff mattered. They were just two curious kids…relating on a level that kids relate on.
Simple. Easy. Unforced. Natural.
Which now brings me to the point of the story. How many of you out there have ever seen someone; beautiful, handsome, intriguing or just plain interesting…that you were curious about? Did you go up and say ‘Hi’? How many of you have ever let an opportunity like that pass you by? Yep, I have too…and I kick myself for every time I ever let it happen. Letting our own thoughts and fears and insecurities get in the way of our just being simple humans making a simply human connection.
Get out of your head about what may be wrong or may be not quite so right about you. Get out of your head about the rules you have for who a person should be in order for you to be interested. Just be real. Just be yourself. Be curious. Be courageous…just say ‘Hi’. You’d be surprised where it may go.
If two kids can do it, I know as adults we certainly can too! We’ve all got a delicious M&M to give to someone…don’t be afraid to share yours!
Until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, attraction, cheating, coach, coaching, communication, dating, divorce, expert, guru, lies, love, lust, marriage, men, relationships, sex, tips, women
She’s Having a ‘Fat’ Day…
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As most of you know I moved to Miami a short while ago. It’s funny, even though I’m farther away from most of my friends I’ve somehow been seeing them more frequently lately…Miami’s a great place to meet up and hang out with friends! A female friend of mine recently came to town and things got…interesting.
Wait, that’s not the right word, is it? The word I mean is…tense!!
Here’s the situation. She came to town to hang out and over the course of the weekend some of her girlfriends were coming to town as well so we were all going to link up. Before they got here though we had some one on one time to catch up. So, me being me I suggested we link up in SoBe and have a few drinks, maybe some dancing, then more drinks, maybe food, do some shopping and definitely drinks!
Bartender! Bartender! Gimme sumthin’ on ice! Another round of Mojitos please!!
But alas, things didn’t go quite as planned. For whatever reason she was having none of it. She was having ‘one of those days’. She was in a foul mood the minute she stepped off the plane. An ill mood. A whiny mood. A cranky mood. A hard to please, don’t feel like being bothered, don’t wanna eat, don’t wanna drink, don’t wanna go out, don’t wanna do anything just leave me alone kinda mood!
Really? You do realize you landed in Miami right? Ok…
So here’s where my natural ‘guy’ instincts kick in and I automatically assumed I must have done something to put her in a funk. Knowing me it could’ve been anything.
Was I late picking her up from the airport? Just a little.
Does she have a rare Mojito allergy I forgot about? Maybe.
Did I suggest the wrong spot to hang out? Possibly.
Did I do or not do something to her liking? Likely.
Did I say something crude, off color or downright offensive? Probably:-)
However it came to be, seemed like she was at a high level of pissed-offed-ness at me. And now I was getting angry too!
Life coach guru Tony Robbins teaches that when you’re having a tough time relating to someone you have to ask yourself one crucial question. ‘What else could this mean?’ My old psychoanalysis teacher called this technique ‘Examining the evidence’. So I took a step back and tried to think what else could be causing this? What evidence is there that I’m the cause of her bad mood? In this case there was none! There was nothing I could find that I did or said that would have put her in this mood so I decided to give her a little space. I said, ‘Hey, looks like you’re not in a good state to go out and be around people right now so why don’t you take some ‘me’ time and give me a call in a few hours if you feel up to going out’. She said, ‘Ok.’
A few hours (and a few solo rounds of Mojitos) later, she called. We met up at Mangos on Ocean and the first thing she said was. ‘Hey, sorry about earlier, I just stepped off the plane and felt fat. It seemed like none of the clothes I packed fit right and I just wasn’t looking or feeling my best. I just felt bad about myself.’ Damn. What makes that even more shocking is that this woman is one of the most amazingly stunning models I’ve ever seen. A true bombshell!! If she can have a day like this the rest of us certainly can as well! Gotta love her level of insight though!
She felt insecure.
She felt a dip in her self-esteem.
She felt unlikable
She felt irritable.
She felt…fat.
I accepted her apology and acknowledged her explanation. We all have ‘fat days’ or down days or days where we don’t feel quite up to par or on top of our game. It’s not a friends responsibility to get us out of those moods but a good friend will be there to help us through it when we’ve decided to come out of it on our own. We went on to have a really good time while she was here!
So what did I learn? Well, usually, when someone is upset, just because you’re in their presence doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the reason they’re angry. Their mood is just that. Theirs. We are only responsible for our own moods and emotional states! If you remember this you’ll find that 99% of the time other people’s moods have absolutely positively nothing to do with you! That’s a difficult concept to learn but once you do you’re relationships will get abundantly easier to manage!
So remember, next time someone around you is in a funk, don’t take it personal. Do what Tony Robbins says and ask ‘What else could this mean?’ Pretend you’re Horatio Caine from CSI and ‘Examine the evidence and see where it leads.’ Chances are it doesn’t lead anywhere near you!
Until Next Time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, advise, attraction, cheating, coach, coaching, communication, counseling, couples, CSI, dating, differences, divorce, expert, guru, infidelity, lies, love, lust, marriage, men, mental health, pain, reality show, relationships, sex, specialist, therapy, tips, Tony Robbins, women
The Perfect Catch!
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Ok, I know what you’re probably thinking…but no…no…it’s not me:-) As a matter of fact it’s not any man I know…or any woman I know for that matter (although a few women have come really close…I mean damn close!…I mean super close!…I mean…well…you get the point) Having that said I think we need to take a closer look at this idea of perfection because I hear singletons and those who are unhappily married talk about finding their ‘perfect match’ or ‘ideal soul mate’ all the time. But what does that really mean?
Is perfect possible?
Is there such a thing? A perfect car? A perfect dress? A perfect suit? A perfect house? A perfect song? A perfect trip? A perfect day? I’ve seen some that come pretty close in my opinion…but it was just that…my opinion. But guess what, in my world that’s all that really matters isn’t it? Especially when it comes to finding that ‘perfect’ person to be with.
So many of us, and I’m guilty of this as well, live out our lives based on the expectations of those around us. Our peer groups. Our friends. Our family. Our co-workers. Our children. If they like it then we like it. If they think it’s cool then we think it’s cool. If they think something or someone is perfect then we think they’re perfect. If they think we should be happy then we too think we should be happy…with whatever or whomever it is they think we should be happy with…and this is about the point where most people start to ‘should’ all over themselves!
Here’s my advice, the next time someone suggests to you a life, a lifestyle and a partner that you should live and have why don’t you offer them a suggestion in return…tell them that if they think that life is such a great idea then they should go live it! And then you go get busy living your own life! Because your life is just that…YOURS! Embrace it. In all it’s perfectly imperfect ways! And for once and for all…
STOP APOLOGIZING FOR WHAT YOU LIKE!
If you like to date ‘Bad Boys’ …date ‘em! (But learn how not to get burnt)
If you like women who are high on style and low on substance…date ‘em! (But know when and how to re-fuel on you own)
If you like ditsy airheads…date ‘em! (But keep the conversation light, lol)
If you like muscle bound brutes…date ‘em! (Congrats. Your gift giving just got a helluva lot easier…birthdays, holidays, anniversaries…’Protein Bars’! Done!)
If you like the no nonsense clean exchange of goods for umm…’services’…from dating ‘gold diggers’…date ‘em! (Just keep your Am Ex card paid up!)
If you like thugs…by all means darlin’…date ‘em! (Just keep his bail bondsman on speed dial! And don’t let him borrow the keys to your car…or home…or your credit card…or your phone…on second thought…you might wanna rethink that one!)
The point is you should date what you like…just make sure you understand why you like it! Know what to expect…and what not to expect. And if and when that type no longer suits you and it’s time to date someone new…you can do that too! That’s life. That’s growth. You’re tastes have the right to evolve over time. It’s ok. There doesn’t always have to be some grand scheme or ultimate plan when it comes to dating. The goal of dating doesn’t always have to be marriage. It’s ok to just enjoy each other’s company. To love each other right here, right now, today, for all that they are and all that they are not.
One of my favorite movies is ‘The Last Samurai’ with Tom Cruise and Ken Watanabe. Throughout the movie Ken’s character, ‘Katsumoto’ speaks of finding the ‘perfect blossom’. He says, “The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life.” At the end of the movie, at battle’s end, with his dying breath he finally sees the perfect blossom…and finally realizes and says, “Perfect…They are all…Perfect…”
Go get that blossom folks!
Until next time!
Dr. Ish
Swag-ful
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Hey everybody, Dr. Ish here, hope all is well and growing in your world! Things have certainly been happening in mine. Lots of moving and shaking and changes coming up and I’ll be sure to keep you all posted!
I spent this weekend in one of my favorite cities, Miami, for a little rest and relaxation and exploration and was able to twist my cousin, ‘D’s arm to come down and join me. Ok, not so much twist his arm as a gentle nudge in that direction….ok, not so much nudge his arm as much as just letting him know that I was going to be there and before I could say ‘you should…’ he said…’I’m there!’ He loves Miami too!
So, we’re out and about last night doing what guys do when in Miami and we stumble upon…or maybe they stumbled upon us…two extremely attractive women from Madrid.
**Note to self: Plan trip to Spain!**
So we’re chatting with them, or at least trying to chat with them when it immediately becomes obvious that there’s a significant language barrier. One of them only spoke a little English and I only know just a pinch of Portuguese. My cousin, however, fresh off his latest trip to Rio, knows quite a bit more Portuguese than me and fortunately for us the two languages share some similarities. What happened next was a thing of beauty. I watched my cousin delight, fascinate, entertain and utterly charm the open toed shoes off of these exotic beauties! In a foreign language no less! One he’s just learning! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! Apparently I wasn’t’ the only one taking notice because one of our Australian buddies leans in and says to me…’He’s one charming mother *&^%!#!…I said…’Yes he is’
So later, after my cousin took me to charm school, I got to thinking about just what happened. Here’s my analysis. Men and Women interact with the world in two totally different formats. Women are much more intuitive and ‘feel’ the world as opposed to guys who are much more visual and ‘think’ the world. As a result, when it comes to flirting, dating and relationships women are much less bound by any restrictions or preconceived ideas of what ‘their man’ has to look or sound like…they’re much more in tune with what he has to ‘be’ like. He doesn’t have to have a specific height, certain weight, particular body type, or be an exact match in terms of eye or hair color. Women can adjust their criteria for those things as they see fit. However, what he must be able to do is communicate and connect with them on an emotional level. Which is what my cousin did to perfection! He was animated, he was interested, (which made him interesting to them) he used body language, lots of body language (because the verbal part was not as readily available), he smiled, and he laughed and was extremely confident. Not arrogant, not conceited…just confident. I’m not talking about the false macho stuff or the peakocking that guys usually do when in the presence of beautiful women. That same peakocking that usually fades fast 3 months down the road when the woman realizes there’s no actual peacock! I’m talking about that quiet, understated cool sense of self-assuredness that women find irresistible…I’m talking about SWAG folks!
It’s unmistakable. It’s undeniable. It’s irrefutable. It’s totally unstoppable!
It’s one of those things that many talk about but oh so few actually have. Men and women have it and if you’ve ever felt it or been in its presence you never forget it!
We know that body language is 75 or more percent of how we communicate. Certain signals are universal and need no words to be expressed. We now also know that SWAG…true SWAG…is also universal! So remember folks, SWAG isn’t something you put on…it’s something you put out. When it comes to dating, flirtations and different levels of attraction come and go…but SWAG is forever!
Ciao,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, attraction, cheating, coaching, communication, counseling, couples, dating, differences, divorce, expert, guru, help, hurt, infidelity, lies, love, lust, marriage, men, mental health, pain, reality tv, relationships, sex, tips, women
6 Inches of Separation
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Hi Everybody! Hope all is well or at least on the road to wellness in your lives! A quick thanks to Ken Barber for hosting a fabulous book signing at his boutique in Atlanta last weekend! It was a quick trip for me but one I definitely enjoyed. As I’m starting to understand, the more I’m out and about and answering questions for people the more I actually learn from you. Case in point:
I had a little time before the signing so I took a stroll through Phipps to do a little shopping and grab a quick bite to eat. I was seated and placed my order and had just begun to experience the first waves of nervousness about the signing because I’d just realized it was about and hour and a half away and I still had no clue what I was going to talk about when I noticed something…seems like I’m always noticing something…it was a couple…seated one level above and just to the left of me. Both in their late 20’s or so, both attractive…she particularly so, no rings on fingers, no visible signs of being otherwise attached. I noticed them because of what were doing…or rather what they weren’t doing.
They were totally NOT paying attention to each other!
She was furiously texting on her cell phone, totally engrossed in the textversation (is that a word yet?), making no eye contact with him but still somehow managed to keep talking the whole time. She held her cell phone above the table while she texted. Remember that…it’s important. He, on the other hand seemed fairly unenthused (I don’t want to say he looked bored…but he did) until he too received a text, which livened him right up! He immediately grabbed his cell phone and lowered it about six inches below the table…out of site…where only he could see it…and became equally engrossed in his textversation.
Then something really interesting happened…
She paid attention to him! She stopped texting. She stopped talking. She made direct eye contact…something just north of a glare but stopping just shy of a full-on stare down…and when he finally looked up…his head narrowly missing the icicles she was shooting his way…he was caught in her gaze!
Now they had each other’s undivided attention! Now the small talk became big talk! Things got hot at that table and they hadn’t even gotten their food yet!
Ok, we can’t know what they were texting about. Could have been totally innocent on both their parts. As with any situation when you’re looking for clarity you have to not look to the words; spoken or texted, but look more to the behavior or what it is people do. About 75% of our communication is through body language. It’s through our body language that the story is told and the truth usually comes out.
Let’s break it down:
Her body language was above board. Literally above the board of the table, cell phone six inches above the table, out in the open, making an attempt, however feeble, at small talk and keeping him engaged in the moment. She may not have been inviting him to be a part of what she was texting about but she certainly made no attempts to hide it from him.
His body language was below board. Literally below the board of the table…by about six inches, where he held his cell phone. The text came in, he stiffened and his body actually turned away from her and toward his cell phone. Whatever was on that text he was not inviting his date to be a part of by ‘hiding’ the cell phone under the table and disengaging his body from the moment.
Now I don’t know how that evening ended for them but I hope better than it started. Another thing I wonder about is if there was anything they could have done differently? I wonder what would have happened if they had stayed as connected to each other as they were to their cell phones. I mean they were out…together…isn’t that the whole idea…to share an experience…with each other…together? It’s tough but you have to fight to keep those things that are outside of your relationship out…family, friends, kids, jobs, and bills. While these are all a part of life you have to make sure they don’t become too big a part of your relationship…if they do they can easily become the whole part. And where does that leave you? With no part. Out.
So the next time you’re lucky enough to share a table with the object of your affection make sure you pay two things that night…attention to each other…and of course, the bill!
Until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, affairs, attraction, cheating, coaching, communication, counseling, couples, dating, differences, divorce, expert, guru, help, infidelity, lies, little, love, lust, marriage, men, mental health, pain, relationships, scandals, sex, specialist, therapy, tips, women
The Wedding Day-After
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I recently had the opportunity to attend a small invitation only seminar on relationships in Atlanta and was floored by what I learned! It was a room full of bright and extremely thoughtful couples and singles that were able to share their ideas and observations in a way I hadn’t heard before. I learned a lot! One of the interesting topics some of the men in the room brought up was ‘the change’ that happens in women after the wedding. Yes ladies, this time the men get to air their pet peeves!
Men felt like women were more concerned in their wedding ring, wedding day and the wedding dress than in what actually happens after the wedding…the marriage. Guys actually felt like they were an afterthought or accessory to the whole situation and after the wedding they were simply checked off their wife’s ‘to do’ list.
Husband? Check.
We hear all of these stories about the wedding ring, wedding dress, wedding vows, wedding planning, the wedding pictures, the wedding party, the wedding rehearsal, the wedding rehearsal dinner, horribly stressed brides-to-be or bridezillas, and the honeymoon but we hardly ever hear any thoughts on what happens when they get back. Guess what…life happens. The real day to day doing of work that goes into making each other happy. Getting to the wedding is the easy part…getting past the day after…that’s what get’s tough.
The men, some newly married, some married for tens of years expressed the alarming drop off in face time, intimate time (not just sex) and just the all around little attention they felt like they were receiving since they’d been married. ‘She changed’, they said. The ladies jumped right in with ‘we’re tired’, ‘we’re raising kids’, ‘we’re running the household’ or ‘we’re working too hard trying to do it all’. I get it. And the guys got it too…but that doesn’t change the fact that they were still not getting the attention they felt like they needed in the marriage.
News flash ladies…guys need to be wanted too…guys need to know you still want them and still need them. Once a man feels that’s lost from his relationship…it’s typically only a matter of time before he starts to look for it elsewhere. You’re lack of attention ladies, for whatever reason, brings ‘The clean-up woman’ right to your doorstep and into your bedroom…where she does her best to ‘clean-up’ your mess. Now, I agree, a wife’s job is tough…sometimes beyond tough. Raising children alone is a monumental task when it’s done right let alone if you have to hold down a regular job on top of that. So the ladies in the room asked for one simple thing…
’Help!’
Yeah guys, you’re gonna have to help. In order for her to pay you more attention she’s gonna have to have time to do so. Time she now doesn’t have because she’s doing lots of other things. So help her out. Do some things to free up her time… do the dishes…do the laundry…do the cooking (or bring home the already cooked cooking)…do the cleaning, or hire somebody to do the cleaning (not too cute though…please see above reference to ‘The clean-up woman’), take the kids off her hands for an hour or two…basically you need to give her a little ‘me time’ in order for her to give you a little ‘you time’. After all, it is a marriage…a union…of two people doing things…together. Right?
Women say ‘you need to do something for me or with me then you can do something to me!’ It is what it is guys…it is what it is…
So here’s the reality of marriage. It’s work. It’s more. It’s more work that you ever put into the relationship while you were dating or engaged. It requires more time. More attention More patience. More understanding. More forgiving. More doing!
So as guys we get it ladies, we get that the wedding day is ‘Your Day’. And it should be. We want it to be everything you ever dreamed of…we want you to be happy with it…but also with us. Remember, there are actually two people getting married on that day. So while everybody loves a beautiful wedding day…I’m more concerned with what happens on the day after the wedding day.
Until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, attraction, cheating, coaching, communication, counseling, couples, dating, divorce, expert, guru, infidelity, lies, love, lust, marriage, men, relationships, sex, specialist, therapy, tips, wedding day, wedding dress, wedding ring, weddings, women
The Other Side of The Pillow
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Ever notice how when a man cheats in a relationship we always always always here the same things:
How could he…
I can’t believe he…
Can you believe he had the nerve to…
Isn’t it funny how the victim takes the spot-light and we hear all about her pain and suffering while the perpetrator, the guy, skulks off to some dark corner of the world to live in shame for the wrong he’s done. Some may feel this is justified but we have to ask ourselves is this fair? Aren’t there two sides to every story? Don’t guys have feelings too? Are we to believe that all guys who cheat are just a group of immature, selfish, self-centered, entitled, egotistical, lust-crazed, sex-starved skirt chasing vermin with no self-control?!? It maybe easy for some of you to say ‘Hell Yes!’ and you might be right…but what if you’re wrong?
I recently had the chance to work with someone in my ‘One on One’ consulting program who had just gone through this very situation. He cheated on his wife. He came to me an upset, depressed, beaten down, shunned and scorned shell of his former self. Truly sad to see. What was interesting and different about him though was how beautifully he was able to articulate to me exactly how he felt before, during and after it happened.
It started as lots of affairs do…quite by accident. He worked in law enforcement and she was a member of his church. They saw each other there and at other fellowship opportunities and as luck would have it they formed a connection. Phone numbers were exchanged to ‘lend mutual support’. First there were just texts. Then phone calls from work. Then one day there was a crisis and they decided to meet for a quick lunch…you know…for support. Innocent enough. Well those lunches grew more frequent and longer in length and eventually she invited him for lunch at her house. Correction…at she and her husband’s house. Not to worry, her husband knew our hero well and felt comfortable having him around and was actually grateful someone in the community had reached out and touched his wife. I don’t think he knew exactly where she was being touched though!
After their first sexual encounter our hero immediately felt horrible. He knew what they did was wrong and he vowed that it would never happen again. It did. What’s interesting is that he tells me he was actually happy with his wife and very much in love. The longer the affair went on the worse he felt. He couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why he kept doing it! So he decides to break it off before things get out of hand…translation…before anybody finds out.
And here’s where it gets really interesting…
She won’t let him break it off! She becomes hurt, irate, highly agitated and simply cannot understand why they have to stop seeing each other! Really lady? Really…yes really! First she threatened to tell his boss. Geez. Then she threatened to tell his wife. Yikes! Then she went so far as to threaten to tell his kids! His kids? Damn…that’s cold blooded. She was serious. He was terrified.
Nevertheless, he needed to end the affair and move forward. He stopped seeing her. He told his wife about the affair. His wife, while devastated, still cared enough to suggest he seek some help. She knew this was out of character for him and wanted answers as to how this could have happened. That’s when he came to me. The first thing he told me was that he honestly never believed he was that guy who would ever do something like this. He was hurt and ashamed for his behavior and what it did to his wife and what it would mean to his kids. He couldn’t stop crying.
I know, I know, some of you are saying…’Oh c’mon now. Really sir? Surely this immature, selfish, self-centered, entitled, egotistical, lust-crazed, sex-starved skirt chasing vermin with no self-control isn’t capable of such emotion. Surely he’s only upset because he got caught! Obviously he’s morally bankrupt and neither appreciates nor deserves the loving wife and kids he has.’ Easy to say but I’m not so sure you’d be right about him. He’s human just like you. He’s a man who got caught up in an inappropriate relationship by crossing a series of boundaries from innocent to not so innocent and before he knew it he developed an attraction for another woman. It happens. Actually, it happens a lot. My good friend and image consultant Mary Giuseffi always says, ‘Ego begets the fall’. She’s so right. If you’re unaware of what your own ego needs…while someone else is stroking and feeding that ego…it’s only a matter of time before you make a terribly selfish decision that you may come to regret.
The good news is he worked through it. He and his wife are now working through it. He and his wife and kids (damn…still can’t believe she was gonna tell the kids) will begin to work through it. He now understands how important it is to be aware not only of the subtle things his ego may want but also what other people’s egos may also want from him. That’s growth. That’s understanding. That’s life.
Until next time,
Dr. Ish
Tags: advice, attraction, cheating, coaching, counseling, couples, dating, divorce, guru, infidelity, lies, marriage, men, pain and suffering, relationships, self control, sex, specialist, therapy, tips, Valentines day, women
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