Dating, Mating and Relating with Dr. Ish

6 Inches of Separation

Hi Everybody! Hope all is well or at least on the road to wellness in your lives! A quick thanks to Ken Barber for hosting a fabulous book signing at his boutique in Atlanta last weekend! It was a quick trip for me but one I definitely enjoyed. As I’m starting to understand, the more I’m out and about and answering questions for people the more I actually learn from you. Case in point:

I had a little time before the signing so I took a stroll through Phipps to do a little shopping and grab a quick bite to eat. I was seated and placed my order and had just begun to experience the first waves of nervousness about the signing because I’d just realized it was about and hour and a half away and I still had no clue what I was going to talk about when I noticed something…seems like I’m always noticing something…it was a couple…seated one level above and just to the left of me. Both in their late 20’s or so, both attractive…she particularly so, no rings on fingers, no visible signs of being otherwise attached. I noticed them because of what were doing…or rather what they weren’t doing.

They were totally NOT paying attention to each other!

She was furiously texting on her cell phone, totally engrossed in the textversation (is that a word yet?), making no eye contact with him but still somehow managed to keep talking the whole time. She held her cell phone above the table while she texted. Remember that…it’s important. He, on the other hand seemed fairly unenthused (I don’t want to say he looked bored…but he did) until he too received a text, which livened him right up! He immediately grabbed his cell phone and lowered it about six inches below the table…out of site…where only he could see it…and became equally engrossed in his textversation.

Then something really interesting happened…

She paid attention to him! She stopped texting. She stopped talking. She made direct eye contact…something just north of a glare but stopping just shy of a full-on stare down…and when he finally looked up…his head narrowly missing the icicles she was shooting his way…he was caught in her gaze!

Now they had each other’s undivided attention! Now the small talk became big talk! Things got hot at that table and they hadn’t even gotten their food yet!

Ok, we can’t know what they were texting about. Could have been totally innocent on both their parts. As with any situation when you’re looking for clarity you have to not look to the words; spoken or texted, but look more to the behavior or what it is people do. About 75% of our communication is through body language. It’s through our body language that the story is told and the truth usually comes out.

Let’s break it down:

Her body language was above board. Literally above the board of the table, cell phone six inches above the table, out in the open, making an attempt, however feeble, at small talk and keeping him engaged in the moment. She may not have been inviting him to be a part of what she was texting about but she certainly made no attempts to hide it from him.

His body language was below board. Literally below the board of the table…by about six inches, where he held his cell phone. The text came in, he stiffened and his body actually turned away from her and toward his cell phone. Whatever was on that text he was not inviting his date to be a part of by ‘hiding’ the cell phone under the table and disengaging his body from the moment.

Now I don’t know how that evening ended for them but I hope better than it started. Another thing I wonder about is if there was anything they could have done differently? I wonder what would have happened if they had stayed as connected to each other as they were to their cell phones. I mean they were out…together…isn’t that the whole idea…to share an experience…with each other…together? It’s tough but you have to fight to keep those things that are outside of your relationship out…family, friends, kids, jobs, and bills. While these are all a part of life you have to make sure they don’t become too big a part of your relationship…if they do they can easily become the whole part. And where does that leave you? With no part. Out.

So the next time you’re lucky enough to share a table with the object of your affection make sure you pay two things that night…attention to each other…and of course, the bill!

Until next time,

Dr. Ish